Review: Darksiders 2

I fucking loved the first Darksiders game, so when I caught wind of there being a sequel, my dick was so hard, it could cut diamonds. I mean holy shit, how are we going to follow up the first game's fantastic ending?? Ooh, I know – by setting it after the tutorial level of the first game and having you play as Death, and embark you on clearing your brother's (War) name for supposedly prematurely starting the apocalypse... umm, excuse me Vigil Games, but what kind of blotter acid binge did you partake in that made you guys think this is how you follow up such a great fucken game? This sounds like a fucking direct to video sequel! But I can't get too mad over this, because this is still a good game. Not fantastic like the first one, but a good one nonetheless.

The first Darksiders had excellent dialogue back up the intiguing set up – you know, the whole premature apocalypse thing. Sadly, this doesn't have quite the same luxuries. Its set up, as I've pointed out, is something that seems like a scene pulled out of a hat, but as you progress through the game, you'll learn that there's more to it than meets the eye. From what you learn, Corruption has spread through the realm of Veil and Death has to do something about it, but when the Nephilim get brought up, it's not just a means of describing what kind of beings the Horsemen of the Apocalypse – as it turns out, Death had slain all but said Horsemen and has bound their souls into an amulet he wears. By the endgame, you can put two and two together and...

...find yourself witnessing one of the shittiest endings since Mass Effect 3. To sum it up, something happens, we skip to a later time period, turns out something else happened but we don't know diddly dick. That actually sums up a lot of this game's story, too. For what it's worth, the concept is a working one, but the storytelling is complete ass. Oftentimes, it feels like you're bumbling along, collecting things for people. Not a whole lot is ever explained and, good dialogue and great voice acting be damned, not a whole heap ever happens. We never even wonder if we really saved War or if the Charred Council just went “fuck it” and let him figure out who started the apocalypse. That's how ripped off I felt at the end, but then again, the story progresses at such a crawl that it's like watching snails moving in a chronic state of bullet time. What a waste! This could've actually worked out and equalled or even surpassed the original, but nope, let's just fetch stuff and be done with it already!

The first Darksiders was like that dark, gritty Zelda game that Twilight Princess wanted to be (as opposed to fillerific self-plagiarism). The second Darksiders feels like an open world RPG (all the rage these days!!!) with the platforming ripped right out of Prince Of Persia 08 (as in you scale across walls, vault off of indents and hang on lined holes on the walls). But if there's one thing their gameplay shares in common, it's the pacing of its quality. Darksiders 1 didn't have the best beginning in the world but the further along you got, the better it got, the more open your options in combat got, the tougher enemies got and the more creative dungeons started to become. Darksiders 2 has this sort of thing going on but it's a LOT worse. As in, the first six hours are more than capable of boring the fuck out of you. While the Forge Lands is the most open world, it also has the most boring dungeons. A lot of its puzzles revolve around putting balls into holes and using bombs to activate switches. That's cool for a while but to have whole dungeons revolve around those, particularly ones that are actually pretty damn long (ie. The last one in the Forge Lands before setting off for the next world), it's sleep inducing and potentially off putting. Add easy enemies and it just feels like you're slogging through a mediocre game, gearing up to trade it in as soon as you begrudgingly finish it.

But then something happens. You wind up in the Land Of The Dead, and suddenly, the dungeons have more puzzles to offer as you collect more items, the enemies are becoming more challenging (and sometimes cheap, but shit happens) and all of a sudden, it actually becomes very easy to get immersed into it! What happened? Oh, a little something called inspiration, more variety to the puzzles than pushing some fucking balls along and knowing that death could be looming around the corner if you didn't adapt to enemy movements and patterns (or at least bring potions with you). Mind you, people will tell you that it's still easy unless you play it on the unlockable nightmare difficulty mode (in which death = you start from the beginning of the ENTIRE GAME ALL OVER AGAIN!!!), and as much as I feel like making an analogy about Dark Souls and having learned boss patterns and shit, enemies do have simple patterns and tells (or wind up for attack in other words) so obvious it makes the boxers from Mike Tyson's Punch Out subtle in their tells. But while learning and while in group encounters, it takes one mistake to totally fuck yourself up, especially on the apocalyptic difficulty setting where you take more damage and they take less.

Combat has taken a significant overhaul. Death is more agile in combat than his brother War (though that's because Death's body isn't 700 times the size of his head and he's not lugging around a sword seven times the size of his dick), able to land quicker combos and use his spectral form to land a finishing blow of sorts. As you learn more combos from trainers – at a nominal fee, of course – you can time the presses of the square button to perform different combos, which can mean the difference between hitting things around you and finishing off what's in front of you, risking death by the Christian side hug and anal raping. But not to worry – subweapons to the rescue!! Whether they be slow hard hitters or fast scratchers, the most important thing is that you can mix them up with your scythes when given certain situations. You can only equip one subweapon so you'll have to choose speed vs damage here kids.

Then there are special attacks... basically, you level up through getting enough XP via killing enemies and completing quests, and at certain levels, you can learn new attacks and add enhancements to them. You can learn six attacks, three on each sort of class (basically, one dealing with physical attacks and another dealing with minion spawning attacks), with enhancements taking up the rest of the skill tree. Said enhancements include absorption (whether it be health or wrath), fire or ice damage (fire burning bits of their health away for a bit, ice slowing them down a bit) and some sort of after effects. Overall, there are more options in the heat of battle – whether you prefer to distract enemies with a couple of firey explosive ghouls or enforce crowd control with a wide attack – and with the bump in speed, combat really feels good, especially once you're given those options. It does seem fairly “me too”-ish in the sense that it has the whole RPG thing going on as levelling is fairly easy (plenty of forced fights and quests that give you XP upon completion) and it just feels like you're paying trainers money to learn new attacks, but eh, it could've been worse...

If there's a minor problem I could point out (that actually tended to bug the crap out of me as I played), it's the loot system. Besides the fact that it just seems silly (this isn't Diablo, it's fucking Zelda with bloody combat), you tend to get a whole bunch of useless shit, like people are motivated to keep going by little rewards or something as opposed to the greater goal. Reason being is that while the game claims that there are five types of weapons (regular, enchanted, rare, elite and possessed), I say that there are three types – shit, sacrificial lambs and possessed. See, possessed weapons are able to level up by feeding on your other equipment and taking their properties (like regeneration, absorption, elemental damage and what have you), and if you play your cards right (not all that hard actually), you, too, can have overpowered weapons. That, and it's just not that interesting... oh joy, a scythe that's a tad stronger than the generic scythe I've already got equipped. It's rare to find something worth caring about, and even then... eh, the possessed weapon is so much more appetizing. Would make more sense if you have an option to blacksmith your equipment...

Darksiders 2 actually looks worse than Darksiders 1. While it'd be easy to chalk it up to “well the style is going for a more cartoony look”, I just think it doesn't look that good. A lot of the colors are washed out and a lot of the textures look like somebody opened up a blurry image on Photoshop and applied the sharpen filter, like putting makeup on a pig. Not a whole lot of things here look exciting, either. Death looks like Casey Jones from the TMNT franchise... and that's about as interesting as it gets. Everything just looks... generic, like they pulled some typical monster designs out of a hat or something. The animations are quite smooth, managing to capture the agility of Death's movements, particularly during a cinematic takedown scene after beating a boss. Sadly, that does get ruined sometimes when the framerate takes a few dips into molasses, especially during a bigger dungeon or anywhere with plenty of rendered objects.

Thankfully, this game has a fucken good soundtrack. A lot of the songs are larger than life in scale, with sweeping epic orchestrations to make moments feel big. This is definitely at its best during fights because there is a certain rush that makes fights feel big, though that's not to sell the more beautiful and subtle pieces short. The voice acting is also really good, managing to do its best to pull you into the story. The Forge World inhabitants have a Scottish accent, the monsters are a bit over the top in their acts and Death just has that cool, calm, collected sort of voice that I'd almost go gay for. But most importantly, it works for the sorts of characters that they are – no, I'm not saying it's bland, I'm speaking in terms of what the designs wanted to be. But yeah, great voice acting complimented by an excellent soundtrack. Just wish it was helping a great story instead of a shit one.

Darksiders 2 starts off as a mediocre open world RPG, but then you move on a bit and realize that it's actually a pretty good game. If you can get past the first act, you'll find yourself a game that can kick ass and take names. There are a lot of instances where it seems like it just takes elements from other games rather than integrating them into its own thing, but there are also lots of instances where it feels just right. The combat, the puzzles and how they're integrated into the dungeons – it just winds up really fucking working in its favor, and in the end, what you get is a satisfying experience... marred by a shitty ending, but hey, it's the journey that matters.

7.5/10 (Good)

Review: The Amazing Spiderman

Your friendly neighbourhood Spiderman is certainly no stranger to licensed games and as of 2000, it's no stranger to a sandbox style of play either - in fact, he's not above expanding on it. I mean, he's experimented with platforming and then with the beat em up style of the 16-bit era, then his adventures become 3 dimensional and a bit more open ended, and with the release of the adaptation of Spiderman 2 (directed by Sam Raimi), his style of play was truly defined. Web slinging through the city of New York, doing whatever the fuck he pleases (and pleases where he goes) - it's all fun and games, granted that the game you're playing is not Ultimate Spiderman on the PS2 (eh, I don't really care for it, it's mediocre at best). But that was then and this is now. The Amazing Spiderman does everything in its power to kick ass by putting stealth missions and flowing, robust combat into a sandbox game... but instead, it just feels like a Spiderman mod for Arkham City. A decent enough mod mind you, but a mod nonetheless.

Taking place after the movie, Lizard (aka Curt Connors) is taken to a mental hospital, and Peter Parker and romantic interest Gwen Stacey walk through the Oscorp science labs to try and stop the cross species experiments. However, the experiments attack Peter and eventually, all hell breaks loose as most of New York wind up getting infected by the virus, so it's up to Peter to don the Spiderman suit and save everyone. Unlike Prototype (which is what the concept reminds me an awful lot of), Spiderman isn't some angsty anti-hero who I'd be more than willing to punch right across the face; he's a snarky motherfucker with a bunch of smartass comments, and the story isn't as confusing or poorly developed as all get up; it's actually about as simple as New York being infected and needing Spiderman to save them. It's by no means a fantastic story, but it's serviceable enough to work.

As I said, it's a sandbox game, meaning that you'll be web slinging around the city to find stuff to do. Ranging from saving citizens and stopping getaway cars to basically following Spiderman around with a camera... at least there won't be much of a shortage of things to do. There are even 700 collectibles (in this case, comic books) to gather up all around New York, so even if you find yourself completing every mission, you'll still need to get some of them collectibles because odds are, you'd have missed a fair fewhundred. As expected for side missions, they're not all that complicated, basically amounting to small activities to do out of boredom and to get some neat little goodies like experience points to upgrade his fighting prowess and health. If nothing else, it has a decent amount of replay value, especially after you beat the story mode. To make it easier to get some of those comic book pages is the webrush. It slows down time while you aim to a point where you wish to swing and then Spiderman does some cool little flips and shit towards that place. Overall, I'd say that this sets up a rather good foundation for a great open world sandbox game.

It's a crying shame, however, that a good amount of the story missions take place in boring ass sewers and slightly less boring buildings that don't have an iota of inspiration in their designs. You'll often find yourself needing to go to one room to flick switches, destroy things, rescue the odd captive and/or take down a group of enemies and repeating the process until you get to the end and either fight a boss, a bigger gang of enemies, or something that must be acquired. If I have any real issue with this, it's the fact that the big city isn't as well utilized as it should've been. I mean, we got this big open city that's only really used for side missions while story missions mostly force you into these boring fucking linear hallways. Given that good sandbox games like Sleeping Dogs and Prototype integrate their cities into their story missions...

...yeah, this is a game that really wants to be Arkham City, except that game had better designs going for it. Whoops. Better yet, Arkham City was a much more polished experience than The Amazing Spiderman will ever be. Simply put, Spiderman, known as an agile webslinger, fights and moves like a quarterback. While the animations can make it look flexible, the actual fighting is stiff. The idea is to land combos using a single attack button while waiting for the opportunity to counterattack. While it is fun, you would expect Spiderman to fight with more grace than some big motherfucker with more muscles than friends. Mind you, there is some grace involved when he can use his webslinging to throw objects at enemies or to execute a silent takedown, but at the end of the day, it's just a bit stiff... not to mention it's too easy. There isn't a whole heap of strategy necessary to beat up enemies and even bosses with all those button prompts and webrushing (see: not actually doing much), besides maybe staying out of their lines of sight if you're in a stealthy situation, but beyond that, even on the hardest difficulty mode, it's too fucking easy and ultimately, I find myself getting bored after a while. Then again, games that practically play themselves for me when that's not even remotely their intention tend to do that.

Taking more pages out of the Arkham City book, Spiderman is able to take to the shadows and take down enemies without them being none the wiser. At least the execution here makes a lot of sense, taking advantage of his webslinging capabilities and his agility. What it amounts to is that you cling onto a wall, hopefully not in an enemy's line of sight, and when the time comes, you press a button and Spiderman will sling towards the enemy and take it down. Course, given that these sections have a group of enemies, you have to make sure not to get spotted by them... thankfully, there's a web retreat button where you can escape and cling onto another surface. Sometimes, it'll cling you onto an enemy who will kill you quickly – Spiderman can't take much punishment from guns – or onto surfaces that enemies will spot immediately and will shoot at you there and then. Beyond that cheap bullshit, the stealth is at least reasonably well executed and I wouldn't mind seeing this in future Spiderman games, though I'd probably say that past Spiderman games had a better handle on combat.

While the gameplay leaves some things to be desired, the graphics are... in the same camp, actually. Spiderman himself looks great with some very impressive texturework on his suit and his fluid animations that are just a treat to look at. Everything else ranges from good to passable if not bland. The good stuff includes Manhattan at a bird's eye view – it's definitely big and it looks fine even from a distance before everything pops in, which is a fairly sizeable distance away. The bland stuff includes Manhattan on the ground, which has some really bland and oftentimes glossy, glass eyed NPC models and color schemes... as do the sewers... and buildings... Also, it feels like the camera is too far zoomed in near you, like you can't see heaps around you, particularly on your left.

The sound design is fairly bland. The music is nothing more than the typical orchestral fare with a tinge of heroism because, you know, it's a superhero game. Too bad it doesn't really do much to enhance the experience as you don't really feel much more heroic or sneaky than if there was no music. The voice acting, while not done by the actors from the movie, is actually good... and you know what, I'm glad it's not done by the movie's actors because these people, particularly Sam Riegel's more lighthearted take on Spiderman, draw you more into the experience. Same with the sound effects, which hits the mark, especially when Spiderman hits something. Bit of a shame the music is as generic as it is... would've really made things so much better.

So really, what you get out of this game is one part well done open word, one part good if simple stealth, and one part “yeah we're big fans of Arkham City so let's just copy it”. It's not necessarily a bad game – in fact, I think it's a cut or two above average, but there were too many things working against it to make it a good game. My biggest complaint, really, is how underutilized Manhattan really is, as it's only really used for side missions while you explore bland levels during the story missions. Add in combat that's basically Arkham City without any of the challenge, satisfaction or anything resembling what Spiderman would do, and you have yourself a game that could've used more time to cook... if only it didn't base itself off of a mediocre (not to mention useless) movie.

6.5/10 (Above Average)

Review: Half Life

Fast action, maze-like areas full of aliens, predators and Nazis, and a whole host of secrets to find – that was your typical first person shooter back in the 90s. But then came a game that wanted to take that formula and work it into a different sort of beast. In 1998, Valve released Half Life and it garnered heaps of praise for the way it tackled storytelling and took the first person view in a more cinematic direction than just blowing aliens to bits. It's an idea that works really well when executed just right... and you know what, it is, but like a well cooked steak with no seasoning, it trips over a few other important things in order to get it right.

At Black Mesa, Gordon Freeman turns up to a testing room to check on the latest experiment. From there, it goes haywire and all of a sudden, the portal between Earth and Xen is open, and Black Mesa is taken over by aliens. The military show up... to kill everyone there. Not just the aliens, but also the scientists, Gordon Freeman and every little insect that happens to be around, in order to ensure that nothing about the situation is leaked to the public. From there, Gordon has to stop the alien invasion through any means necessary. It has a pretty good set up and as much as I'd like to rag on it not really progressing much in the traditional sense or that Gordon has little to no characterization, that's... kind of the point. You're Gordon Freeman, MIT graduate and future hero scientist. You're pressing all the buttons and turning all the valves to progress through the Black Mesa building while finding a way to swat the military away and stop aliens from taking over Earth. YOU are the one moving the story. Having said that, it really feels like they pissed away something that could've been cool just to be content with some B-grade alien shit.

Thankfully, Half Life's biggest accomplishment isn't what it says but how it says it. Instead of having cutscenes every so often to progress the story, it just has scientists and the odd Black Mesa guard tell you about stuff while keeping you in the game. What it essentially means is that you're in one big level and you're staying in that level until you quit out of the game to don your Stryper PJs and go to bed, or you finish the game. But yeah, the idea of having the story unfold without you needing to be transitioned into a cutscene was a big deal back in 1998 and it really undermines the fact that the story itself is very bare boned. Be aware that there will be some loading that'll stop you for a couple of seconds when you get to a new section, and if that kills your immersion, feel free to never ever purchase this game...

...actually, if you want real immersion killers, try the glitches. Now, depending on your computer's specs (as in what you're running, not necessarily how powerful your hardware is), you'll either run into a few minor glitches or a fair amount of bad glitches. The most common one is getting stuck behind corners and on small slopes in smaller spaces... or shit, I've found myself stuck on the corner of an L-shaped pathway! Then there's the fact that some chapters don't work entirely, like this one where you're meant to ride a platform to certain points... only it didn't *bleep*ing appear! I've had times when the ally AI wouldn't move, do what they're meant to do... or anything, really, not matter how many times I press the interact button.

Yes, you can reload a save file from before the glitch happens, but really, when this kind of shit happens, it takes you out of the experience because it feels less like you're exploring Black Mesa, and more like you're playing a subpar video game. I'm forgiving when it comes to the occasional loading bits because it's for a second or two and it saves you from having to experience a loooooong loading screen every time you launch the game; I can't forgive glitches because it tends to show me that the game lacks some polish in the more important areas. But like I said, it really does depend on your specs – if you don't run into glitches, great. I did, but the funny thing is, despite my bitching, it doesn't take too long to get back into it, unless the glitches are persistent. So... it all comes down to specs.

More often than not though, at least they get the visual atmosphere right. At times, you'll find yourself in dark corridors (of varying levels, of course) that'll make you wary of what's around the corner or what's up ahead (I mean yeah, you have a flashlight, but you can't be too sure, you know), and the alien world of Xen is just... wow. It's really easy to get sucked in despite the dated graphics – it really goes to show what a keen eye for lighting can really do for you. If there's anything negative I could say, it'd be that the models are blocky, but for a game made in 1998, that's a given. I have heard that the Source version looks better, but I've also heard that it's glitchier, so... just take the lesser of two evils here...

One thing that's both impressive and disappointing is the sound design. Where it's impressive is when it really draws you in – either through playing some music during the more exciting segments, or putting in some sound effects that sound like little bugs crawling through the ducts and big monsters walking around the corner. That's the kind of stuff that really gets you going. Where it's disappointing is how often it happens – that is to say, barely. You won't get much music or many sound effects, and while less is usually more when it comes to the more atmospheric games, when all I hear are footsteps for 80% of the game, it's not as atmospheric as it could've been if more sounds played at a few more instances.

So for all its atmospheric and immersing goodness, why does this game receive the score it has? Simple – it's a mostly dull experience. Really, the game isn't all that fun to play. I mean, it has its fun moments, like a few firefights against the bigger aliens, especially when you're low on health and ammo where it can get rather tense, but other than that, I don't know, it just felt like I kept on playing so that I can see what scripted event they come up with next, not because it's fun, and really, aren't games meant to be fun to play? Well, that's not really a fair question, so let me ask something else – should it ever feel like a firefight is a minor inconvenience? Not at all, it should feel like you're a *bleep*en badass for shooting up heaps of aliens and military men, the latter of which having fairly impressive AI.

Awww yeah, the AI for the humans in this game was *bleep*en titmilk! Given that at around the time, enemies would've charge at you when you came within a certain distance and that's it (and at times, it was very easy to exploit), the AI here would know when to throw grenades, run away or just stand there and try to pump you with lead, which would make them sound like they were lobotomized, but considering that they don't stagger when you shoot them, you'll need to be careful in how to take care of them before you end up dying. Sometimes, you'll find security guards who can fight with you, and they actually fight competently so you can rely on them... until you get to a point where they're like “nope, *bleep* you, I can't jump or be *bleep*ed enough to follow you from here on in”. It's nothing special nowadays because AI can be like this nowadays – plus there are more glitchy moments that I pointed out a while ago – but for it's time, yeah, it was actually quite impressive.

I think the biggest issue I've had was a good amount of the second third of the game. The first third mostly focused on fitting into the role with some combat here and there while the final third is a visual spectacle with the last two combat sections actually being more what I'd expect from a first person shooter (in other words, it was fast and exciting), but the second third just felt like a slog through mediocre firefights. It felt like they just threw shit at you and expected you to take it because hey, you're getting closer to your goal, closer to the heart of all that's happening. Really though, it got to a point where it felt less like I was Gordon and more like I was playing as Gordon in a mediocre first person shooter. Sure, the machine guns felt like machine guns, the pistols like pistols and the shotguns like shotguns, and there are a few cool weapons too (like a laser and a locust blaster of sorts), but once the whole “wow the AI is so good” thing dies down and you realize the aliens aren't that bright, you start to realize that most fights feel empty, with maybe a few enemies to shoot down, and it's never all that fast and frenetic. There is maybe one exciting moment involving a helicopter and the need to open up a door underwater without getting eaten by a fish – every other moment, sure, I was immersed, but I was also starting to get bored and the immersion was dying down, and since immersion was all it really had going for it... well, it's not a third I'd want to get involved in again.

Now don't get me wrong – Half Life isn't terrible. It gets immersion and atmosphere right more often than not, and that's what Half Life wanted to get right the most. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean that the other elements can be half assed. The AI might be good, but that doesn't make the game fun. The storytelling might be state of the art and excellent, but the story itself isn't good. I guess you could say that Half Life is best remembered for its influence, rather than the actual game – having said that, it is still worth trying out just to see where modern shooters got the idea from, and eh, you'll probably like it more than I did. Games that used this style later along the line learned how to make it fun, but for now, eh, it's an interesting idea that was once ripe to be expanded on... and then every modern shooter did just that.

7/10 (Good)

Review: Legend Of Grimrock

Written as a love letter to the dungeon crawlers of the 80s, Legend Of Grimrock will not appeal to everybody... People expecting this to be like Dragon Age: Origins (2 wasn't as much of an RPG as 1 was) or even Diablo 1 will find themselves very, very disappointed because this is very much like an 80s dungeon crawler, just with graphics and sound quality that feel 2012-y. As much as I feel like making a reference towards a certain group of talentless hacks who rip off every 80s thrash metal band and claims that it's new music (hint: it's Evile), this feels more like it was done by a band who knew about the limitations of old school thrash metal and still tries their hardest to make it work in this day and age and actually do a damn good job of it (ie. Havok).

If you play games for the story, you'll be disappointed to learn that setup aside, there isn't much to experience here. Basically, you and three others are trapped in a dungeon or in the pit of Mount Grimrock. Reason being, you've all committed crimes against the king. From there, you're all guided by a voice through the dungeon, slaying monsters and solving puzzles along the way. Also along the way are notes from a previous explorer who talks about the dungeon, like how it's meant to be explored or leaving some clues to puzzles and/or hidden loot. It's always pretty cool to get some info on the place you're in during the game, but beyond that, this isn't an epic quest to slay the evil dragon while growing to care about your characters; it's just about escaping from a dungeon. Nothing more; nothing less.

But if you think the story isn't all that complicated, then you'll hate the tutorial, which is very tight lipped. Essentially, it'll teach you the very basics and then leave you to your devices. Now, that's fair enough if it teaches you about stuff you'll need to know, but it's not fair enough when it leaves out a few important details, like - oh, I don't know - where you need to click in order to attack! Come on, even Dark Souls threw me a bone and that game was designed to be way too fucking hard! So in other words, the first hour of play will be spent experimenting with how to actually play the game. It's not like I need to have my hand held by developers, but if you're going to bother with a tutorial, make it so that it actually tells me how to do some basic shit! Thankfully, if you stick with it, you'll find yourself actually enjoying this game.

Anyway, as you'd expect, you start by creating your characters. You have four races to choose from, each with their own strengths and weaknesses. Each race has three classes to choose from and while you don't necessarily have to be too fussy if you're having humans in your party, the other races specialize in certain classes, like how minotaurs are quite the bruisers if a bit slow, while lizardmen are more about speedy hits and hoping they don't get hit. Then you have insectoids, who are more into magic but they can't carry a whole heap of loot. Mind you, you could select other classes for these races, and if you're looking for a challenge, you should mix and match, but... well, that's if you're not looking for a challenge by playing this game in the first place. This isn't an easy game, kids, and even though you can level up as you kill enemies and put some skill points into different sorts of skills, the further through the dungeon you go, the harder enemies will hit and the harder you'll need to hit.

The combat in this game is a matter of clicking on the weapon or spell icon on your characters' status screen while facing an enemy. After an attack, that character will enter a period of cooling down, meaning that he/she/it won't be able to attack for a little while. In addition, party members who are at the back can't use physical attacks - only frontline infantry. At first, it feels like a minor inconvenience, but eventually when you start fighting heaps of enemies, you'll need to use plenty of strategy and time your hits wisely, all the while using the area around you to move around and not get hit in order to survive and progress. What makes things trickier is that your movement is locked onto a grid, meaning that you move forwards, backwards or sideways by a square - no diagonal movement and no quick turning. All turning around is done by holding the right mouse button and moving it around.

Well, you came here for a retro experience, did you not? I mean, holding the right mouse button instead of simply moving the mouse to look around does sound silly in this day and age, and moving on a grid sounds very stiff, but the way this game does it makes it less tedious and limiting than you think. The game is designed in a way to take advantage of the grid-like movement and make it feel like second nature after a little while, and on that same token, looking around also becomes second nature after a while. I usually hate it when people say "oh you'll get used to it", but here I am, saying... that you'll get used to it, except while most people use it to justify a game being shit, I'm using it as a means of saying that underneath the surface really does lie a great game. It's a good thing too, because the combat itself is passable at best. Oh, you'll learn new moves every now and again, and the possibility of dying at any wrong turn is what keeps things exciting, but without that feeling, clicking on weapon icons and waiting four or so seconds to use it again isn't all that interesting.

But it's not all about nuanced designs, because there are also some puzzles to solve. You'll figure that that's the case either by the writings on the wall, or by finding tiles that look a little weird. Now, usually when puzzles get praised by professional reviewers, I'm quick to assume that they're either really tedious block pushing puzzles (ie. Ocarina Of Time), really easy puzzles (ie. Wind Waker) or they were just paid a handsome bribe to suck its dick (ie. Uncharted), so to find some legitimately tricky puzzles is surprising. Sure, it starts off easy enough with you needing to find some levers to pull and things to put on pressure tiles, but eventually, you'll be dealing with riddles, portals and all sorts of shit that will be hard as fuck to figure out. A lot of puzzles are optional, but the prize is alluring enough to make you want to do it anyway - what, lots of rare and powerful stuff can't hurt, especially if it gets you out of a jam later on!

While it's easy to criticize the lack of variety in the visuals, you'd seriously look stupid because while the floors generally look the same, it's a samey look that really fits and grows onto you. It's dark, it's dank, and when you add the fact that enemies can kick your ass if you make one false move, it makes for a tense trekking through the dungeon. What helps is that the halls tend to be tight, meaning that escape is not always possible and that fighting is the only way out, should you get stuck between some enemies. The lighting really adds to the experience as, like I said, it's dark, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel, and while torches aren't ever stationed at the end of this tunnel (if they were, then you'd probably be without one for a good 15-20 hours), there are torches which can help you see through the dark depths. It's from there that the lighting really starts to look impressive, as the darkness shrouds everything ahead, forcing you to take baby steps (or step forward one space) to make sure you don't get raped. It's no picnic with the Care Bears - you're in a fucking dungeon!

But what's a creepy dungeon without some creepy sounds? Well, it'd just look creepy and you'll see right through its façade. So what happens here is that you'll hear some noises that'll keep you on your toes. Big steps from bigger enemies or small steps from scurrying little enemies are one thing; a disembodied voice speaking at certain points is another, and the lack of music amplifies the ambiance. So really, the atmosphere for this game is spot on. It all brings this deep, dark dungeon to life, like you're in it! The fact that it's in first person view is the icing on the cake.

I originally went into this game, thinking that it'd be yet another throwaway "retro" experience. What I got out of it was a fantastic game that knew exactly what it was doing with the old school formula and still constructed it in a way that makes it possible for newcomers to hop aboard and enjoy it. In saying that, the tutorial sucks and its stiff design does take a while to get used to, but stick with it, and you'll find that you'll fall in love with it. Whether it's the atmosphere, the dungeon's design or the puzzles, Legend Of Grimrock is just a hell of an experience really only hampered by a design that'll take a while to get into.

8.5/10 (Great)

Review: Tales Of Graces F

The Tales series is one that I've always wanted to admire... but no, I had to be born, raised and living in the wrong country to actually experience these games. I'm not sure if Namco has no faith in the Tales series selling well in Australia or in general, because in Australia, we only have Tales Of Symphonia and Tales Of Vesperia available. In fact, had it not been for the fact that the PS3 is region free, I would never experience Tales Of Graces F, and although I would definitely say that Symphonia and Vesperia are better games, Graces F is still a good game that is well worth your time.

It starts off with Asbel, heir to the lord of the city Lhant, his brother Hubert, and their sickly friend Cheria finding an amnesiac girl by the name of Sophie. They also meet up with prince Richard, despite Asbel's father telling him not to go anywhere near him, which has him basically tell Asbel that he's a reckless little terror who doesn't think about the consequences. Naturally shrugging it off, Asbel and company do eventually find themselves in trouble, coming close to death. From there, Asbel leaves to be trained as a knight, and seven years later, he comes back into the world... during a war between three nations of differing leaderships – one of monarchy, one of democracy and one of dictatorship. You can imagine why they're fighting each other...

I do have a couple of issues with the story. First off, the story itself isn't a particularly engaging one, and after a while, it becomes all too easy to ignore. Hell, the game doesn't give it much mind, only developing it every now and again to remind you that there is, indeed, a story. It's not terrible, don't get me wrong, but it's not really that good, either. The other problem is that the first five hours are practically a snoozefest because not a whole lot actually happens. The idea is to set up the characters for the rest of the game so that they can develop as it goes on, but a lot of the time, I just wished that it would move on. Like, I get it, they want to establish the characters and the events to come, but given that it moves at a snail's pace, well, let's just say that it's better not to play this near any pillows.

But from that comes a huge strength – the characters. I've found myself really getting attached to them as the story progressed due to the development put into their relationships. Since Asbel basically abandoned his brother and friends over a seven year period, he has to build his relationships back up because when he goes back out into the world, they give him the cold shoulder. As well as the development of their relationships, you have how they all interact with each other, and that's where the skit system comes in. Every now and again, you'll be prompted to press select to listen to the characters talk amongst themselves about stuff, like their current situation or themselves, leading itself into character and plot development, but most of all, it tends to be humorous. It's just how these characters interact with one another and how well their personalities play off each other that keeps the game engaging, plus with themes such as friendship and protecting your friends cropping up a lot, you better hope that the characters are good, and that they are. Not quite Resonance Of Fate good, but we're getting there.

While the story steps more into familiar territory, the gameplay has actually changed a fair bit. For one thing, the overworld is scaled down to one big island and it isn't as big as you'd expect it to be. While it's not like Final Fantasy XIII's ultra linear world, it is easy to lament the loss of a much more open world in a Tales game. There are little nuances like "Discoveries", which basically give you items that are often accompanied by skits. Beyond that, the overworld doesn't offer much and backtracking through it without transportation items is a chore and a half.

Combat is quite different too. While the other games had you mashing the attack button for combos and pressing the special attack button while moving the left analogue stick for special attacks (or Mystic Artes as they're called), this one has more rhythm and strategy to it. See, there's this thing called the Chain Capacity, which basically replaces TP (or MP if you will) and not only depletes when you use Mystic Artes, but also regular attacks. What this means is that you'll need to make sure your attacks will work, lest you lay your CC to waste. Thankfully, it is easy to replenish it by guarding (well, standing still, really, but guarding is usually what you'd do), though that's not the only way to replenish CC. See, you can do this thing called sidestepping, which has you dodge an enemy's attack, though that costs CC to use. Thankfully, you can profit from it too, especially if you time it just right.

Mystic Artes have had a sort of overhaul as well... well, not the Artes themselves, but rather, the means of acquiring them. Rather than getting to a certain level and using certain special attack(s) often enough, you learn them through equipping titles (which not only gave you special attacks, but also stat increases), and then using SP (or Skill Points) to actually learn them. Then there are special Mystic Artes, which are much more powerful than regular Mystic Artes, but can only be used when in Eleth Burst mode, activated by filling up the Eleth Guage through attacking and getting attacked. These Artes can only be gained by equipping special titles or through events in the story.

Dualizing is a new feature... funny how it took the series this long (and by this long, I actually mean 2009) to let you fuse items together, but better late than never, I suppose. Whether you're fusing weapons or armor together or with gems to upgrade them or raw food ingredients to make a juicy snack/drink, it's a system that works. What makes it even sweeter is the Eleth Mixer, which will give the combined item a bonus if you fulfill a certain condition in a battle. This makes getting the best items – whether it's in terms of equipment, consumables or stuff you can pawn off for quite a lot of money – easier than just finding them out on the field or some dungeon... just as long as you're at a shop or at certain other locations, because that's the only place where you can do it.

For a Wii port... actually, even if it wasn't a Wii port, it's a pretty good looking game. A misnomer is that the textures aren't that good because it's a Wii port, but actually, it's just that the cel shaded anime style doesn't allow much room for realistic textures without looking out of place. Besides, it still looks pretty good. The colors help create a vibrant world full of life - even if the camera can't be controlled to get a good look at it, there's still a sense of scale, like there's a big world to explore, full of people that need saving. But where the graphics shine are in the battles, with plenty of flashy effects and colors to make them look as fast paced as they are, which is quite fast. Not to mention, the skit style works very well. It doesn't stop with just showing character portraits instead of putting heads in boxes – it starts from there, gives them a wide range of different visual emotions, and uses them all to great effect, helping to make each of the skits very entertaining. If there is anything I can criticize, it's that the character models tend to look like plastic dolls, with big heads and small bodies, and wide open glass-y eyes. Although it's a traditional design choice, it's just really distracting here because their heads just seem bigger and their eyes wider... ah well.

But I'm going to be honest in saying that the soundtrack... is pretty underwhelming. Not terrible, per se, but more often than not, a song just doesn't have the oomph that it needs to really stand out and make a situation really go off. I'm sorry Motoi Sakuraba, I know you tend to compose great soundtracks (especially the soundtracks to Tales Of Symphonia and Resonance Of Face), but I think you were just having a bad day here. Each song suits the situations finely, trying to convey the right mood, but without the oomph, it's just suckling on hind teet. The voice acting is pretty hit and miss. Some, like Pascal and Sophie, sound excellent, especially Pascal, who really draws me into each cutscene with her vocal patterns matching her hyperactive personality. However, stinkers like Richard are painful to listen to, sounding like an obnoxious announcer anytime he has to put even the slightest bit of emotion into his performance. As for the rest, they work okay, but half the time, I'm aware that I'm playing a video game as their performances tend to feel phoned in. Overall, not the best this series has to offer.

Don't get me wrong, Tales Of Graces F is a very good game, and besides the sound design, whatever flaws it has are small and are easily ignored because they're sandwiched between what makes this game shine. Linear exploration in a worth without much to do and with backtracking? The battles and skits you'll encounter are a lot of fun and the graphics will more than make up for that. The first five hours? The payoff for enduring them is well more than worth it when they blossom into excellent characters with entertaining exchanges between each other. The story not having much to it? Hey, the characters are well more than enough to keep you entertained. But it's not just good stuff compensating for the bad stuff – the battle system and skits are all very well crafted and a lot of fun to go through. Perhaps it's not the best in the series, but it keeps up the Tales tradition of not having a bad game in the mix at worst, and is still a fantastic game at best.

8.5/10 (Great)

Review: Pokemon Conquest

I don't know about the rest of you, but the idea of a Pokemon game that played out like a turn based strategy game ala Fire Emblem was one that got me jumping for joy. I mean, they've already done turn based fighting like Final Fantasy and they've done dungeon crawling, so hey, why not an SRPG? I will admit, it is odd to have it set during the Sengoku period, but to my knowledge, it's Pokemon crossing over with an SRPG franchise known as Nobunaga's Ambition, and eh, anything to promote the latter is always a good one as not a whole lot of people know what Nobunaga's Ambition is. At the end of the day, Pokemon Conquest is a game that's a lot of fun, but just lacking in a few areas.

For one thing, the story is pretty dull. I mean, it has a pretty good setup, but that's about as far as it goes. Times in the Ransei region are rough as it's wartime and everybody knows only two things - kill or be killed. But legend has it that if a warlord was to conquer all 17 kingdoms, the creator will return and bestow the chosen one with its power, and Oda Nobunaga has already started his conquest to gain this power to take over the world. You, a new warlord, must stop him. That much is enough to get you into it, but from there, it doesn't do anything interesting. It just plods on with maybe amusing at best dialogue that only gives you bits of the story... which would be fine in a bigger RPG, but not in one that only takes about 10 hours to beat. It's not at all a good story, and considering that the Sengoku period had a lot of juicy material for a potentially good story, it hurts to see it go to waste for a generic, underdeveloped and flat out fillerific coming of age story. Sadly, even the post-game has bugger all in terms of storytelling... yeah, here, you can control the different warlords. Too bad that they're not that much more interesting. Really, it's about as throwaway as it gets and it's a shame, given the source material.

Then again, Pokemon has always been about the gameplay and here, it really shows. The idea is to invade all of the enemy kingdoms by defeating their warlords. To do so, you and your warriors get out your Pokemon and fight theirs'. You will commanding your Pokemon to move along a grid and to attack enemy Pokemon either on a space next to it or from a square away (depending on the attack). Individual Pokemon have passive abilities that can either raise its power when its HP is low or lower the enemy's power in battle, among other things, and individual warriors and warlords have their own abilities that can be activated before using that individual's Pokemon to increase a stat or heal it... or something, depending on what it is.

However, Frozen Synapse, this is not, because what it boils down to is the good old elemental rock paper scissors we all know and love, as Pokemon have different types, like Fire, Water, Electric and so on and so forth, and each are strong against some, weak against some more and neutral to others, with very few being immune to some. Adding onto that, each Pokemon only has one attack. Thought four was limiting? That's nothing - try one! There's simplicity, and then there's limiting, and let me just say that it can feel very limiting having to deal with Pokemon who only have one attack, which is usually an attack that's their type (ie. a Grass Pokemon would have Vine Whip, a Fire type would have Ember).

Thankfully, some attempts are made at making things a bit more complicated. Battlefield hazards, like boulders, lightning towers and the like, do add an element of strategy as you have to think about movement a bit more than just heading to the next enemy Pokemon, and a decent amount of the major battles will give you the objective of occupying all of the flags and sometimes keeping them occupied for a set amount of turns. On top of that, you'll be given a set amount of turns to complete battles in, but they only really have an impact on the later fights because they start to incorporate more hazards and powerful Pokemon into the mix, and that's not to mention the post-game, which can get hard at times. But as you can tell, Pokemon Conquest's combat is light on strategy and the crappy enemy AI isn't about to help matters. Put simply, they'll sometimes attack the right Pokemon and use the battlefield hazard to their advantage, but more often than not, they just go straight for a brawl with whoever they can because hey, why not?

Capturing Pokemon here isn't a matter of weakening them and then throwing a Poke Ball at them. Nope, actually, what you do is that once you've conquered a kingdom, you can head inside and check out an area with Pokemon in them. Some or all of them will have warriors in there, and if you go in there and beat them within 4 turns or with a super effective attack, you can recruit them. Not only that, but after you get a little into the game, you'll be given the option to let your troops link with wild Pokemon by getting their Pokemon to walk up to it and use the Link command, then press the A button at the right times to establish that link. Now, this can get a little needlessly complicated, because Pokemon work at their best with certain warriors, but you can't tell who is best suited to be that Pokemon's master... unless you look it up on the internet or save before capturing Pokemon. Even then, it's one Pokemon per warrior in any given battle, so you'll have to choose between his default Pokemon and the one that he established a link with. Mind you, you'll still have a functioning Pokemon, but if you get the wrong combination, you'll end up with a subpar Pokemon... and if you're wondering, link also refers to experience points, so the more you battle with it, the more you two will link together, or the more it powers up, and getting that high enough (and sometimes fulfilling another condition) will allow them to evolve.

Now, one thing that could've been really big is the management of the kingdoms that you've taken over. The idea of this is to recruit a bunch of warriors so that they'd be able to keep watch over your property while you proceed to take over other kingdoms. But what should make this interesting is that any enemy warlord can storm in and take over one of your kingdoms, which is where your other guys come in. Well... don't expect this to actually happen until you finish the game and get into the post-game. Throughout the entirety of the main campaign, I think I only got invaded once. Even then, it's easy to reclaim it by defeating that warlord. Even if your kingdoms did get invaded, managing them is easy anyway. The most that you'll ever have to do there is find warriors to recruit and mine for gold, maybe make some improvements here and there... but it's all rather basic and feels like an afterthought because hey, Nobunaga's Ambition has this, and we want to make a game like that... but for kids!

If there's any saving grace, it's this... Pokemon Conquest is a fun, fun game to play. Game Freak have made a killing on games that are tons of fun to play because of their simple pick up and play nature, and really, this game is no different. It's easy to get into and it's easy to sink a lot of time into because, despite some oversimplications, it's still requires you to put together a decent team - or in this case, a bunch of decent teams of Pokemon - and working on keeping them strong enough to take down enemy kingdoms. Really though, it won't be all that fun until you're done with the first few kingdoms, before it gets harder with more objects that can force you to think a little more strategically. Plus, there's the post-game, which ups the ante in this department. Ordinarily, this could completely redeem a game - how else do the Pokemon games stay alive for crying out loud - but not here. It just gives the game a leg to stand on.

The graphics are pretty good. There isn't much in the way of animation with simple movements (as in, rocking back and forth, ready for battle), but there are plenty of pretty pictures, especially the portraits. The characters look like samurai warlords with armor and robes keeping them covered - thankfully with none of that fanservice crap, although there are a few anime inspired designs, like some who don't have much armor and instead look like some random anime antagonist/protagonist walking into the wrong building and being well drawn doesn't exactly excuse them. Then again, being really colorful is a bit out of place, given what this is meant to be based off of... then again, this is Pokemon, and darker colors would give kids nightmares or something. The Pokemon themselves look good - their portraits are also well drawn with a good amount of detail, and their in game sprites are fair approximations of what they'd look like if you looked at them from a long distance away. Basic designs, sure, but it works. In fact, a lot of it works if you think of it as a Pokemon game - it's bright, colorful and simple, and yet, it looks great! Thinking of this as a Nobunaga's Ambition game or even thinking about the setting, however, will just make you a negative Nancy, and god knows I've done enough of that already... or have I...

What may strike as a surprise is that the sound design is actually pretty dull. Usually, Pokemon games and the anime have great music that will be stuck in your head for days, weeks, even years. Here? I'm struggling to remember any of the songs, and they didn't really aid me in immersing me into the region of Ransei. It just felt like it was there. The only other way to describe the music is that it has that feudal Japan feel to it, in that it's meant to go with epic samurai battles. Eh, it didn't do much, especially for the Pokemon battles. The sound effects are also fairly pedestrian, not really doing much, although they're at least more memorable than the songs. At least the Pokemon cries are still there... but yeah, pretty middle of the line, which is pretty disappointing for the Pokemon series. Ah well, you get dealt a bad hand every now and again.

Fun is fun, but it doesn't do as much to make up for the lack of Pokemon attacks and silly AI as it could've. SRPGs are a very different beast from regular JRPGs and dungeon crawlers, requiring there to be more tactical options than just "move to enemy and use the one attack your unit has". This makes Fire Emblem look like Frozen Synapse, and while it's still fun, the lack of depth can be really bothersome. The lack of a compelling story is also a bit of a bother. The lack of a good soundtrack is not only surprising from a Pokemon game, but also very disappointing. To be fair, none of its flaws outright destroy the game because like I said, it is fun to play, but it really does make you wish that more could've been done to make it a better game. Ah well, at least they tried, and at least they showed that the SRPG style CAN work... just give it some work, make a new series out of it and viola, a series we can all get behind. At this point, what we have isn't bad, but it could be a lot better.

6.5/10 (Above Average)

Review: Lollipop Chainsaw

As much as I enjoy Suda 51's work (either for being over the top or for being really fucking weird - yes, I'm talking about you, Killer7), a shitty game is a shitty game, and Lollipop Chainsaw is no exception. Suda 51 isn't someone I praise for excellent gameplay because barring maybe Shadows Of The Damned (which I'd consider #9 for my top games of 2011), none of his games have the best gameplay mechanics in the world. It's really just the blend of style and just enough substance to go by that makes his games tick, particularly the style, which tends to be over the top blood and gore splashing everywhere on the screen, set the music you'd expect to hear in gay dwarf porn or something (well, not really, but he does make some oddball choices and the results do feel like that at times). But in the case of Lollipop Chainsaw, the substance is rice paper thin and the style honestly isn't all that stylish. Perhaps my expectations were set too high after such a great game, but even when you look at it as some game done by a random person, it still doesn't really feel like a good game... just like a terrible game, if I'm being perfectly honest.

It's Juliet Starling's 18th birthday, and she turns up to school... which happens to be infested with zombies because some goth kid wanted to top the Columbine High School massacre by raising the dead. She saves her boyfriend Nick from a zombie bite by decapitating him, and instead of him dying, he's still alive somehow to provide sarcastic running commentary on what's going on. Whilst this has a decent setup, it all goes to hell in a handbasket from here, and it's not just because the development of the plot and characters are more anorexic than the average supermodel (trust me, we're not getting another Killer7 anytime soon), but also the fact that most of the jokes suck ass. Like Shadows Of The Damned, it's more about taking situations and cracking jokes about them, but while that game was more subtle than not, this game is one step away from being the next Friedberg/Seltzer movie... I mean, at least there are jokes here, but they're all about how "sexy" Juliet is and a whole host of shit that only 13 year olds and drunk 30-somethings find funny. But seriously, the reason I even bring up those two troglodytes who wouldn't know a funny joke if it kicked them in the balls is that there sure are a lot of references to Hot Topic stuff like Katy Perry or My Chemical Romance (oh wow, these guys are relevant again? who knew), and really, it's as funny as you'd expect... not at all, in case you can't figure it out (oh wow it's funny because I've heard of it). There are some funny moments, like the interaction between Juliet and Nick - that's what really works in this game's favor, but beyond that, it's hard to care for a story that only cares about shitty jokes.

Unfortunately, that's not the worst part - nope, that dishonor goes towards the gameplay, and good fucking god, its so shit that it almost causes physical pain at times... almost. Basically, you go through linear hallways and slaughter groups of zombies. Really, it should be a recipe for success because I actually enjoy games like Dynasty Warriors, but what Dynasty Warriors had that Lollipop Chainsaw doesn't is the feeling that you're a real badass warlord taking down 5789892758275976 soldiers at a time. In Lollipop Chainsaw, you fight through like 10 or maybe 30 zombies with a clunky combat engine that makes Medievil feel like Devil May Cry. The idea is that you're meant to use light acrobatic cheerleading attacks in order to herd the zombies together and/or to weaken them, ready for the big finish - that is, the heavy attack, in which you cut their heads off with your chainsaw... would you believe that I snickered a little when I typed in quick attacks, because they feel slow and clunky, almost like the chainsaw attacks - hey, heavy attacks are allowed to feel slow because it's not like you wouldn't use the stronger attack if it was faster than the weaker one. Oh, and you have two different projectile attacks - your chainsaw can double as a shotgun, and you can kick Nick's head at enemies. That's it. No extra weapons, no real upgrades (extra combos isn't really enough), and most importantly, sweet sweet fuck all in terms of anything worthwhile. Even the bosses, who are at least dripping with personality, aren't all that great as it all boils down to hit and run tactics, and the bosses don't really do much to make their fights interesting... or do much, period. Expect to find combat more boring than a more recent episode of The Angry Video Game Nerd.

Oh silly me, there's more to this game than shitty levels and clunky combat, for there are mini games to be played! Some of the mini games range from running zombies over with a tractor, to cutting up thrown zombies baseball style, to cutting off heads and throwing them into basketball hoops, which are about as silly as you'd expect and are pretty much there for the sake of being there. I don't think a single one of them was fun in the slightest. It just felt like unnecessary busywork, and what kills them is that they repeat. You'll be doing them multiple times throughout the game, and honestly, they're no Mario Party mini games. They're just drab.

But while the mini games tacked on and sometimes frustrating depending on what you're doing, kicking Nick's head onto a headless corpse and getting it to move is just really poorly implemented. Instead of using the left analogue stick to move, you have to press the button that's on the screen to move him. Whether this was conceived after a night of Japanese cocaine binging or cough medicine overdose is up for discussion, but I think we can all come to a consensus on the fact that tacked on quick time events are shit. Like... what's the point? They're not even good, that's the part that hurts the most. Better than those found in Asura's Wrath, sure, but nothing about them is anything more than that. There is a huge sense of urgency to them, but sometimes, it feels like they come at you and leave way too quickly, giving you no time to react, and one failed button press leads to instant death. No redo until you get back to that section or anything, it's right back to the last checkpoint. If they were slowed down by a second, I'd actually say that these are good, if really fucking pointless and there for the sake of being there quick time events. The idea of Lollipop Chainsaw is to replay the levels on harder difficulties to get higher scores (usually through combos, killing zombies with style and not dying), but if playing through them the first time sucked balls, what makes you think repeated playthroughs are going to be any better?

Hell, even the graphics aren't that good. The styles presented throughout the game are, but it's the technical aspects that are very underwhelming. The textures look like they came straight out of a PS2 game and a good deal of the scripted events and animations don't seem to make any sense in their movement, like they're on their own plane of existence. Maybe there are too many frames that are played at a slow frames per second rate? I'd say so. But where it's technically mediocre, it's stylistically good. As expected, decapitations result in blood spewing everywhere, topped off with pink sparkles and hearts and all that other girly shit, which goes well with her character... I mean, she is a blonde and "sexy" cheerleader, after all. Then there are the bosses, which have various musical styles like punk, electronic and psychedelic, and the look is just right. Whether it's a stage or a room full of fluorescent colors, while the battles themselves may be dull, at least it looks good. The colors are washed out, yeah, but sometimes, it works because those moments would be ruined by vibrant colors... sometimes. Overall, there's a good sense of style, but everything else feels underwhelming.

The sound design is great, though. Unlike the rest of the game, it feels alive. The voice acting is exciting, sarcastic - whatever tone it has to be in any given situation, especially with Tara Strong as Juliet. She really brings her character to life as a ditzy cheerleader with every word that comes out of her mouth. That's not to discount the rest of the cast, but really, you could say the same about all of them. The music is lively, dreary, and whatever else would be fitting! Akira Yamaoka is back for his second Suda 51 game, this time aided by Jimmy Urine (lead singer of Mindless Self Indulgence), and the two of them compose... well, a Mindless Self Indulgence album. Lots of rock, punk, metal and electronic music strewn throughout, but it all fits well with the game world - not only because if it you put this in any other game, it'd sound bizarre (whether it's Silent Hill or Brutal Legend), but also because it helps accentuate the visual style for the bosses, or because it helps give out the feeling that we're a cheerleader in a zombie apocalypse of sorts. But then whenever Juliet enters super mode (which, after killing a good amount of zombies in a row, basically lets you one shot kill more zombies and fuck up bosses), Mickey by Toni Basel plays, which really goes with the fact that you're a cheerleader because, well, it's a very cheerleader-y song. If nothing else, the music does sound pretty good.

It's understandable that Lollipop Chainsaw has its fans, but I am not one of them. While other Suda 51 games aren't really known for having good gameplay, they have decent enough gameplay to go well with an excellent sense of style, and for that reason, they are still good games. Here? It's like he held back a bit on the style and the gameplay is just flat out terrible with some really crap attempts at variety because the core gameplay is boring and nothing attempts to mask that fact or kiss its booboo all better. Ultimately, Lollipop Chainsaw is an extremely underwhelming game that really accentuates what could really go wrong with the average Suda 51 game. I suggest skipping this one and just keeping an eye out for what he does next.

2/10 (Shit)